Of course you are, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't.
So what you have to do now is go on over to Facebook (don't pretend you're not on it, you're not fooling anyone) and, since there's no "Love" button, click "Like," and tell all your friends to do the same.
(We will also be accepting virgin sacrifices, though that doesn't really apply to you or any of your FB friends since we've seen the photo albums and know you're all sluts).
By the way, you are following us on Twitter, right?
An enormous and impassioned crowd rallied at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday, summoned by Glenn Beck, a conservative broadcaster who called for a religious rebirth in America at the site where the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech 47 years ago to the day. Since the event was announced Dr. King has been consistently turning in his tomb so rapidly that there are now plans to connect him to an electric generator which could, according to experts, provide enough electricity to power Atlanta International Airport for the foreseeable future.
“Something that is beyond man is happening,” Mr. Beck said in opening the event as the crowd thronged near the memorial grounds. “America today begins to turn back to God.” He then aimed his AK-47 at the crowd and shouted, "GO TO GOD, BE WITH GOD," while spraying a hail of bullets into the assembled crowd, which continued cheering as Mr. Beck laughed maniacally, shooting and reloading, until every last one of them was dead. 2008 Republican vice-presidential candidate and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was on stage as well, reportedly encouraging Beck when his arm got tired, "don't retreat, reload."
CIA and FBI officials maintain that they were fully aware of what was going to transpire but claimed that, "Honestly, we don't think anyone who was there would be missed. The nation's insane asylums are already packed." As of the printing of this article, no comment was made on the matter by God, or by his duly-appointed earthly representative, Christopher Hitchens.
Let's say you're a writer but you haven't published your first book yet, and let's also say you meet someone at some social event and during your introductory conversation you make the fatal mistake of admitting that you are a writer, which inevitably leads the person you're talking to to ask something like:
"Could I have read anything you've written?"
To which you must respond:
"No, probably not."
Now this might seem like a terribly depressing thing to admit to someone you've just met, who probably doesn't realize how difficult it is to get a book published, or how the whole system works, and now probably believes you're a self-deluding fool [editor's note: I'm not excluding the possibility that he might be right; I don't know you or your writing. No, please don't send me a copy of your latest novel].
However, it doesn't have to be this way. Naturally, there's always the possibility of lying and hoping there'll be no follow up questions or inquiries, but a truly accomplished conversationalist would know how to come out on top without actually resorting to flat-out lies. In fact, the conversation quoted above could be skewed in the writer's favor with the right use of subtle non-verbal cues. Thus, while this exchange would usually go something like this:
A: "Could I have read anything you've written?"
B: "No" [sigh] "probably not."
it could very easily be transformed into this:
A: "Could I have read anything you've written?"
B: [looks A up and down for two full seconds] "No" [pause] "probably not."
Using the proper inflection, this statement could cause the writer's interlocutor to believe himself to be an uneducated simpleton who is not even worthy of casually glancing at the writer's superior work [editor's note: just in case this ploy fails I always recommend that writers carry around a sharp object and/or a sufficient supply of alcohol to get roaring drunk].
P.S. Posting this 7 minutes after Gerrit's new post is also a form of one-upmanship, albeit unintentional.
"Because the female bedbug has no genital opening, the male inseminates her by using his hardened, sharpened genitalia to punch a hole through her abdomen. With no elaborate courtship ritual, males in a frenzied pursuit of sexual congress often blunder into and puncture the bodies of other males, occasionally inflicting fatal wounds."
In a long-awaited ruling, Judge Vaughn Walker says the ban on same-sex marriage violates constitutional rights to equal protection and due process. The decision is expected to reach the Supreme Court.
The federal judge who overturned Proposition 8 Wednesday said the ballot initiative that banned same-sex marriage was based on moral disapproval of gay marriage and ordered the state to stop enforcing the ban. He also admitted that watching the July 8, 2010 Futurama episode "Proposition Infinity" contributed to his decision.
U.S. District Chief Judge Vaughn R. Walker, in a 136-page ruling, said California "has no interest in differentiating between same-sex and opposite-sex unions."
"The evidence shows conclusively that moral and religious views form the only basis for a belief that same-sex couples are different from opposite-sex couples," Walker wrote, adding "I believe the same rule applies to robosexual unions, and once A.I. advances sufficiently, I personally look forward to finding myself in a robosexual relationship with a saucy but lovable bending unit. However, it saddens me to admit that the intelligence of robotic beings at the present moment makes overturning proposition infinity an impossibility, since pursuing such a robosexual relationship would be akin to pedophilia, or, at best, bestiality." Walker then goes on to describe various acts of bestiality for 122 pages of the report, dedicating the last few pages to elaborate drawings, charts, and an annotated index entitled "Top ten neighborhood pets I would totally do."
Walker's ruling struck down Proposition 8 as a violation of federal constitutional guarantees of equal protection and due process, and garnered an excited but wary response from the Waterstones, who live down the street from Walker, "we're very happy our loving union is once again valid," said Robert and Thomas Waterstone, "but there's no way we're ever walking our dog Sniffles without a leash."
